You're here!!! How blessed we are to have you here! You have been absolutely perfect and we could not be more in love with you.
The whole process was amazing and beautiful and if I'm being honest, a lot easier than I thought it was gonna be- physically wise. Emotionally- it was rough. She guaranteed another child for sure though ;)
On Monday night Nicole, my sister made spicy enchiladas for dinner and that night around 10pm I lost my mucous plug. Not very long after that I started to have what felt like period cramps all night long which again resulted in little sleep. The next morning I had a doctors appointment. Mom and my sister came with me to the doctors appointment. I was hoping that I had dilated more than a 1 because that's where I was last time. Lindsey was my midwife that day and when she did check me I was only at a 1 and still not more than 75% effaced. So disappointed!! She couldn't even strip my membranes and my cervix was still posterior. I was so hoping that something was happening down there. Lindsey did tell me that she went from a 1 to delivering in less than 24 hrs with her first so she said don't get discouraged, it could still happen!
So we went about our day. Going to Costco and helping Nicole work. I slept a little. In the afternoon my contractions started to get a little more intense to the point where I could still talk and walk though them but they were super painful period cramps. I went out with Nicole for 3 hrs to train her on the Relax The Back job and every 10 minutes or less I would have to pause and breath through a contraction. We were always joking that one would hit right in the middle of talking to a doctor. By the time we got home I just laid on the floor working my way through the contractions. Ate a little dinner, went for a walk which was at a very slow pace and then we went down stairs to watch a movie. Baby had seemed to have dropped by that point.
Around 9pm they got super serious. The contractions changed from a slow on coming period cramp sensation that would last a while to all of a sudden super sharp, short oh so painful contractions! We called the midwife because they were so different from the contractions I was feeling earlier in the day that I was nervous something was wrong because they were so sharp and so painful. But alas like anything in pregnancy- it was all part of the process. She did say it sounds like things were progressing. It's funny with labor pains, every contraction and all the pain is so wonderful because it's you getting closer and closer to meeting baby girl! So it was all welcomed pain even though it was all so painful!
Everyone went to bed around 11 and then began probably one of the hardest and loneliest night. The contractions were coming somewhere between 8-9 minutes apart so there was no way I was sleeping. So I laid out on our topper in the living room getting through the contractions. Alyssa my sister in law who lives in Tokyo was awake since our night is their day and honestly she is what got me through the night. She was sending my Luke photos and videos which were making me so happy and excited to meet my little one that everytime I had a contraction I would think about how soon I would be holding and meeting my child. My child that I would love and be more obsessed with than Luke, which is crazy to think about because I love Luke so much! Aunt love- it's a real thing. She would text me through out the night to see how I was doing and just to talk to me which helped so much because here I was in a dark quiet house alone. (I will add, TJ, my mom or my sister would have been glad to stay up with me but I wanted TJ to be somewhat rested since I was gonna need him later and I just didn't think to get up my mom because I thought she would just sit there and watch me which is not the funniest thing to be doing at 2 am. Not much pain relief one can supply with contractions- so I let them all sleep) Looking back, those 8 hrs through the night were probably the hardest part of the labor. Around 2 am the contractions started come 4-5 minutes apart. Best way to describe a contraction is like a super super bad charlie horse in you uterus. I turned on the TV to distract me. The time went by really fast when you are counting in 3-5 minutes with little breaks in between. Also watching 28 minute episodes all night long helped the time past. Although I really can't tell you what I watched. It was more for the distraction. I kept telling myself that if I made it to this hour, then I could wake up TJ and go to the hospital. My ultimate goal was to make it to 4am. By 4am I was still managing so I made it to 5am. By that point TJ had woken up and came and sat with me. I ate a piece of toast knowing that I would be without food for a while but when you're having horrible contractions, nothing sounds good. By 6am, contraction were getting more painful so I told TJ we should probably get our things together and start heading in. I was sooo exhausted that besides being in a lot of pain, I just wanted to get an epidural so I could sleep. We got to the hospital around 6:30am. They got me situated and checked. I was at a 3.5!!!!! YAY!!! Best news ever! I was progressing!!! They said that because I was a week overdue, they would keep me. The contractions were getting really strong then- at one point in the bathroom I wanted to throw up and almost pass out. They asked if I wanted an epidural then. I was thinking I could hold off a little longer, that was until I had another contraction come. Yep changed my mind and had the anesthesiologist paged immediately.
I progressed really fast once the epidural went in. At 8 am I was already to a 4.5 and by 9 am I had dilated to a 5.5. The midwife, Mary Kaye who we had never met before was our midwife that day. It was funny to have her walk in and be like "oh, I have never met you and you are going to deliver my baby. Ok." But she was fabulous! She was exactly what I needed for the whole day. She broke my water around 9am. Turns out it was full of meconium, which means baby girl had pooped in utero. They told us that the NICU team would be called in to be on standby. If the baby inhales the meconium, it can be harmful to baby so they are there to help if needed. We wouldn't know anything until she came out.
At 1:45pm they came in and checked me again, I hadn't really dilated anymore since the last time they checked me in the morning. So they wanted to start me on pitocin. They started me out at a 2 dosage of pitocin, seeing what level my body could handle. Well that was too much because I had a 7 minute long contraction. Good thing I couldn't feel that! They wanted my contractions to be at a good time limit apart. They kept having to lower the dosage because my contractions keep being super irregular and very intense. They finally got me down to a .5 dosage. Guess that's not very common because my midwife said "oh, i've never seen .5 on the machine. Looks cute." Mom and Nicole came to visit around 2:30pm. Never did I think that both my mom and my sister would come visit me in the delivery room. It meant a lot for them to be there. The potcin worked like a charm because by 3:10 I was at a 9 dilated. They started to get set up and by 4pm we were starting to push. They wanted to wait a little bit though because my cervix wasn't completely anterior yet. But it didn't take long and soon we were pushing.
Pushing is the strangest thing ever. It is like taking a big poop but much more difficult as well. I was so determined to get it right and be productive at it but it was hard. With the epidural I couldn't feel any pain but could feel pressure down there. I had on and off felt pressure all day, which they told me was her dropping farther and farther. She was pretty far down in the birth canal when it was time to push so it didn't take too long before we could see a tiny bit of her head. Coolest thing ever seeing your baby's head and knowing that your baby was coming!!! And guess what- she had hair!!! I was so hoping for hair!!! My contractions were still pretty spread out then so I would have long contraction and then a long time in between. So I would push for about 40-50 seconds and then we would have anywhere from 3-5 minutes of just waiting till another contraction came along. The epidural was working so well that we were just making small talk in between pushing. I had an intern/resident in the delivery room with us. He was a big help cause he help one of my leg. However, in the end I took control of holding my own legs because they weren't pushing on the hard enough. The resident was a big coach though! I knew he didn't really know what was going on since he hadn't seen many births before so when he would say "oh good push. Push! Push! Push!" I knew I was doing something right. When he was silent, I knew I could be pushing more effectively. Thankful for him being in there. TJ was a huge help too! We got a system down during contraction and during pushing where TJ would count down for me. It helps me in anything, especially pain when I know there is an end in sight. So when I had a contraction TJ would count down from 45 seconds and I would know that when he reached zero I would be down with a contraction pretty much. Same with pushing. He would count to 10 and I would give it all I had. It helped a ton! I remember when people would tell me how long they pushed for and would say things like "oh I pushed for 3 hours" I would be shocked! I mean you can get from Moraga to Lake Tahoe in 3 hours!! I always thought it was way long! At one point, I asked Mary Kaye how long I was pushing for. I was expecting her to say like 20 minutes or so. But she told me I was going on an hour! Holy Cal! Time goes extremely fast when you're pushing!!! This whole labor and delivery thing was going by way fast!! It was so exciting once her head started showing. They brought in a mirror for me to watch which was exciting to see the progress and her head but also a little distracting during pushing so I would close my eyes and then look after I was done. Except for the fact that I would push and make good progress with her head starting to come out and then I'd stop pushing and it would slowing slide back in. It was like "wait!! Don't go back in!" At times I'd clench everything down there to stop her from sliding back in. It was like we'd make 1 step forward and 2 steps back. Half way through pushing my epidural vial ran out. The midwife told me that I probably had about 45 minutes to an hour before feeling started returning. That truly motivated me to push harder and faster! I was NOT going to feel this baby come out and definitely not feel any stitching that might need to happen afterwards. That and I didn't want to pay for another one. Haha.
The final few pushed happened really fast. They called in the NICU team at that point. Mary Kaye said that depending on baby's status, they might be able to put her on my chest right after birth. A few more pushed and she came out. Mary Kaye lifted her up and she was super super limp and a little blue and not crying at all. She handed her right off to the NICU team who took immediate action. As fast as labor and delivery went, those next 5 minutes were the longest of our lives. Baby girl would not take a breath! TJ and I stood there hands grasped together just waiting for the cry. At one point, they even called a Code Blue to our room. But they told me later by the time they got there for the Code Blue she was coming around. We finally heard little cries followed by louder ones. Thank goodness. Rocky start for this little one and rocky start with her coming into the world. I am so thankful for that NICU team who worked so hard on baby girl to get her to take her first breath! Apparently, she didn't swallow any meconium but there was some in her mouth. She was never without oxygen as her heart was always beating but she wouldn't take a breath in. The NICU nurses afterwards told me that I better have a sassy name picked out for her! They wanted to take her to the NICU just to make sure she was stable. They were taking her out but I asked them if I could hold her for a second and say hello before they took her away. They brought her over to me and it was so surreal. Holding my child for the first time! She was beautiful! Nothing like I thought she'd look like. My first thought was "yes! My genes worked! She doesn't look exactly like TJ" and my second thought was "oh no, she doesn't look like Eliza or Eloise!" (our two names we picked out) Guess it was back to the drawing board with names.
Got to kiss her little face before they took her away. TJ went down with them to the NICU while Mary Kaye finished up with me. Those moments after she was born was an out of body experience. It was like I was out of my body. As the room became alive. It's interesting how things go. TJ and I had planned it all out that he would cut the cord and then we would have skin to skin time. It would be a peaceful, emotional wonderful experience. None of that happened. In that moment it was all about saving my baby! It was emotional for sure but not in the way I thought it would be. And I didn't bond with my baby immediately either because I got a tiny peak at her and then she was gone for an hour. Those mothers who have NICU babies, bless their souls! An hour was long enough for me! It was crazy because they also didn't have any definite answers either. They told us she could come back from the NICU in 20 minutes or in 24 hours. Just depends. Everything after the birth happened so fast. Totally missed the placenta coming out or them having to stitch my two little tears that happened internally. But good news! Didn't tear!!! Yay!! Thank you Mary Kaye for working my perineum really good during delivery! All of my focus was on hearing that little cry. I sat there with my hands tight around TJ's, eyes closed praying for that little cry to happen. I couldn't see what was happening so TJ had to tell me what was going on. Once I heard that cry too I broke down. And didn't stop crying for hours after that! Such an emotional experience. Baby girl came back to us within an hour. She came back sucking on a binky super vigorously. I got to feed her a little and hold her. They then transferred me to a wheelchair and took us up to our room. By that time is was later in the evening. Mom and Nicole came in to see her and then TJ's family came up to meet her as well. And I got to eat! I was so tired and hungry at that point too!
It's funny how after birth goes. Such trust in us parents! During the night with baby girl in her little carrier next to me I thought "Wow. They just leave us with her! So crazy! And I'm just suppose to know how to take care of her and keep her alive!" She was of course how she was in the womb. Very active and wide awake during the night so TJ and I didn't get much sleep. I was so swollen down there too that they had to put a catheter in me. Loved not having to worry about getting up and going to the bathroom. The nurse thought it was hilarious that I loved my catheter so much because most people hear the word and say "don't worry about it. I'll take care of it." Not me, I was sad when they took it out. haha.
Hospital life starts early. Our pediatrician, Dr. Zarbock came in the next morning to check out baby girl. Everything looked good! Her breathing had all seemed to resolve itself. Then we went to a breastfeeding class that the hospital offered. It was very very helpful! The lactation specialist was able to come in through out the day to help us get this breastfeeding thing down. Thank goodness for her! Mom and Nicole came back that morning and TJ went off to take a shower, eat and go to work for a little bit. I was able to take a shower which was amazing! That afternoon evening we had more visitors come and visit. After they left we all slept! And then woke up at 9pm. That night we sent baby girl to the nursery so we could get some sleep. At 11:30pm TJ and I were hungry and I wanted to get out of my room so we went for a walk down to the cafeteria to get some food. So strange getting up and walking around. I moved as slow as a snail! It's amazing to think that I birthed a baby in the last 24 hours! We were still deciding on a name for baby girl and had pretty much chosen Olivia but I wasn't 100% sure on it. But when they brought her back to me in the middle of the night and she was rolled up next to me all wide eyed and awaked I couldn't help but say "hello Livi!" And I knew too that that was her name.
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| It's amazing what the human body can do! 24 hrs after giving birth and my body is adjusting to what it just did for 9 months. Thank you body for carrying our beautiful baby! |
Another lactation specialist came in and really helped me a lot in the breastfeeding department. Olivia has a tendency to curl her bottom lip in, which she was even doing in utero! So that made her latch a little tricky. She helped me feel a little more confident in leaving. Sad I wasn't going to have someone I could page every time I needed help feeding. Then one of my favorite midwives, Melissa came in that day and she held Olivia and we just sat there and talked. It was really helpful to just talk about my self-care and how I'm going to navigate this time. I am so thankful for all the wonderful midwives and nurses and staff that took such good care of us. Honestly, those people are amazing! From the very beginning of this life changing event, they are there to help guide you and then when you come in to deliver and you're in pain and not knowing what to do, they are so wonderful and kind and I am so thankful for them! I will miss someone always filling up my water bottle or coming in and giving me Motrin and just helping us along the way.
Coming home was a surreal experience. Putting on real clothes and packing up the room and then going outside, the weirdest experience of my life! It was kinda like a dream. We got in the car and I just lost it. The last 72 hours hit me all at once and I just cried and talked through the whole 3 days. I hadn't really processed any of it and the emotion behind it was hitting real hard. What was strange about the whole thing that I didn't expect and maybe it was because of Olivia's rocky beginning and her going to the NICU but I never felt like I bonded with my baby. You go 9-10 months bonding with this thing that moves inside you and you get to know and love it. But then your baby comes out and it's not what you thought she'd look like and you didn't get that immediate bonding moment when they are fresh out of the womb and it's then like you have to bond all over again. There were many times in the hospital and then on the car ride home that I thought "that's MY baby. Is that really MY baby though?" It's the strangest feeling ever. And it made me realize that whether you give birth to a baby or adopt a baby or some else carries your baby for you, you still have to re-bond with this child. It wasn't an immediate connection for me like I thought it would be. I thought I would see and hold my baby and have this immediate fierce love for this baby, but I didn't. It took me sometime to really know that this is MY child. This is my child whom I will care for the rest of my life. Every day I love Olivia more and more.
We brought Olivia back to our darling little home. My mom had planted little pink flowers while we were in the hospital. Of course that made me cry even more when we got home. But we were home as a little family of three. It was so nice to come home to my mom and sister. Having then there was wonderful and such a support as I still processed what happened and adjusted to this new life.
I love being a mother. It's what I have always wanted to do with my life. But I did not expect all that would come with it emotionally. Nothing I think people can prepare you for. It's a whirlwind of every kind of emotion but the best of all. How we love you sweet Olivia. Welcome to earth and to our family.
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