I have written and rewritten this so many times wondering how and why this should all be expressed. A few months ago, I had a miscarriage. A month after the hardest week of my life I kept getting little feelings and promptings that I needed to share this. Random things here and there: Having a close friend talk to me about speaking truth and experiences, turning on the radio where a morning show was talking about organizations that help support women through miscarriages and stillborns, a family friend telling my mom that people really don’t talk about miscarriages enough and getting the clearest thought come to my head from heaven that said “I give you these experiences so that you can relate and help others along the path.” So this is my story and my experience.
I was about 8 weeks along. It was long enough to know that we were expecting but not far along enough to start sharing the news. Which made the loss that much harder. Here we were with this exciting news that we had been waiting for and waiting for a while for it (cause it’s wasn’t like we got pregnant on the first try or many mant many times after that) yet we didn’t want to share our news with anyone quite yet. And that was hard. It was so hard not telling my mom or sister. We were holding on to this gift and then to lose it without having anyone know was so painful. We were alone in the excitement our news together and we were alone in our pain of our loss together.
And I think that’s what made it so difficult. Was that for some reason I felt like I had to hide my pain. That I, Natalie, had a miscarriage. That there was something wrong with my body and I couldn’t hold this fetus. There’s this unspoken understanding in our society that miscarriages are to be kept quite. Almost like it’s suppose to be swept under the rug. Yet in a way it’s like losing someone you love to a degree. There’s so much pain and loss involved. So much build up and then a great fall. Especially for those like us who have been waiting. However, I wasn’t also someone who was just going to come out and say “Oh, I’m suffering from a miscarriage” when someone asked how I’ve been doing or what’s been going on. So it’s hard to know the balance.
The heartbreak and pain was excruciating -. physically and emotionally. I had only know about this for 4 weeks, yet I felt broken. To all out there that lose children when they are farther along, I hurt for you and have a very slight understanding of what that must be like and I pray for you. Blessed are you.
As I was suffering in my pain- I thought of everything. “What’s wrong with me?” “Why couldn’t I keep this fetus alive?” “What did I do wrong?” “Why is this so painful?” etc. I finally shared what I was going through with my mom. In our conversation she said “I had a miscarriage before your brother. It’s just a way of your body warming up and in reality, your body is saying, “opps… that one didn’t go exactly right. Let’s try that again.” When she shared that, it brought me so much peace knowing that I wasn’t alone. My own mother knew what I was going through.
I then got a little more brave and told some very close women in my life what had happened one night. And as I stood there in these incredible women whom I looked up to so much, each one of them could say I lost one or I had 5 miscarriages or I wept for months after I lost mine, I felt my pain lessen. It was as if they took some of that pain and held it for me because they knew exactly how I was feeling. Again, it hit me. I am not alone. This is why we go through certain experiences in life. So that we can relate to one another and cry with and hold pain for those around us. We are not alone in our trials nor should we be. Not only do we have our Savior but we also have each other. As Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.” or Mosiah 18:9, “Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.”
I guess why I’m writing this and sharing it is not to get sympathy or pity. Life is life and I understand that. But rather for the one or many who are going through this or who have or will go through a miscarriage. I will hold while you cry and cry with you because it still hurts for me and I don’t know if it will ever not hurt. And I guess to open this dialogue more. So that we don’t have feel like we go through this alone or that someone else has been where I have been and vise versa. So just know that you are not alone. Know that God and life have their own timing and that one day we’ll be able to see why certain things happen.. Know that life continues on. That moments like these only make you and I stronger and relatable. And that one day, a great gift will come and how much more thankful we will be.
